Why relationships fall apart & attachment theory
Who this article is for
The article fits more for the kind of people that meet the following criteria: people confused by inner turmoil, that feel that other people do a lousy job at relationships but have a hard time articulating what they're doing wrong, someone that feels cold or numb in a relationship, keeping others at arm's length. It happens most commonly for men due to the way they get raised and conditioned.
From a partner's perspective, this looks like receiving mixed signals, such as your partner getting in a mood but saying nothing is wrong. Other times, the partner gets mad over small things. Lastly, the partner keeps you at arm's length. Again, this pattern is most common with men.
What is Attachment Theory
The Attachment Theory was created by John Bowlby, where he studied a "strange situation.” In this situation, a kid is with their mom, who leaves, and then a stranger walks into the room. After a while, the mom enters the room again. There were different ways in which a kid responded to this situation.
The Four Types of Attachment
1. Secure attachment
The kid may cry or be in distress when the stranger enters the room, but they’re easily soothed when the mom comes back.
2. Anxious-Ambivalent
The kid cries, but when the mom comes back, they get frustrated, angry, and confused.
3. Anxious-Avoidant
The kid cries as well, but they don't go to the mom for comfort when she comes back. They become independent.
4. Fearful-Avoidant/ Disorganized
They freak out when mom leaves the room, and they become inconsolable, even when she gets back.
Anxious-Ambivalent
How is the Anxious-Ambivalent attachment style formed?
The anxious-ambivalent attachment style develops when caregivers give inconsistent responses and care giving to the child. Sometimes the caregiver is warm and loving, and other times they can be cold, distant or neutral. That way, the child never knows what to expect.
Children learn to feel their emotions by mirroring other adults; they know what they're feeling through the emotional expressions of people around them. So it gets confusing when they receive inconsistent responses from their caregivers.
What does the Anxious-Ambivalent attachment style looks like in adults?
The type of care these people received during their childhood results in a clinical presentation of mixed signals, either external or internal. One example is that a person can be mad and send signals that they’re angry, but they say they’re fine when asked how they feel.
Consequently, the people with this attachment style feel inner turmoil. They get angry or frustrated and feel stupid because of it. They can be ticked off in a relationship, but they cannot articulate why they’re bothered.
Another trait that can be found in people with this attachment style is low self-esteem.
How can the Anxious-Ambivalent attachment style affect your relationship?
Relationships can be challenging for anxious-ambivalent people because when something upsets them, they can't communicate to their partner what they did wrong. What happens is a sense of self-judgment, where they feel like they shouldn't feel this way. The person ends up not sharing their feelings, and it creates problems in the relationship.
The anxious-ambivalent attachment style is called a resistant attachment, characterized by feelings of anger and helplessness. The people who have it seek contact and also rebuff it, so there’s a part that wants more in a relationship and another part that doesn't want to get hurt again. It's a protective mechanism that the person engages in.
This can also lead to an intrinsic lack of motivation because the person is on the fence about things they want, afraid of not getting it.
Anxious-Avoidant
How is the Anxious-Avoidant attachment style formed?
The anxious-avoidant attachment style is caused when a child communicates their emotional needs, but they get no response or a neutral response from their caregivers. Basically, they learn that voicing their needs does not get a good response.
What does the Anxious-Avoidant attachment style looks like in adults?
The people that present this attachment style can often feel like "emotional robots". These people are seemingly numb, cold, and fiercely independent.
The way they were cared for as kids creates a problematic cycle where even if the person communicates their needs, they're not good at it, so they feel rejected. The more rejected they feel, the more independent they become, and they end up withdrawing. They withdraw but don't leave, staying at the threshold of a relationship.
How can the Anxious-Avoidant attachment style affect your relationship?
In a relationship, anxious-avoidant people have a safe zone where they stay independent. However, the safe zone is unsatisfying because they realize they're missing something in the relationship but don't know what to do about it. Because of this situation, they keep their partner at arm's length.
It can even happen that the person is afraid of being dependent on their partner.
They may appear calm, but it's a mask for their internal distress, protecting them against emotional hurt.
This attachment style mostly happens to men because of the way they were raised, with commonly repeated phrases like “boys don’t cry” or “man up”.
Fearful-Avoidant/ Disorganized
How is the Disorganized attachment style formed?
The disorganized attachment style carries different names, depending on the author. However, it’s believed to be the most difficult kind because of its origins and characteristics, as it can be a result of childhood trauma and abuse.[1] [2]
This attachment style develops when a caregiver constantly fails to respond accordingly to their child’s distress, often in a negligent or aggressive way. When that happens, what was supposed to be a source of safety for the child becomes a source of fear and unreliability; they don’t know what to expect from their caregivers, and don’t know if their needs will be met.
What does the Disorganized attachment style looks like in adults?
As an adult, the person with disorganized attachment fears intimacy and avoids proximity. They’re waiting to be rejected and hurt by their partners, and view their attachment figure as unpredictable.
The person with this attachment style also exhibits characteristics of anxious - avoidant and ambivalent styles and can feel like they’re ineffective or helpless in life. They are at a higher risk of developing mental health issues such as substance abuse or aggressive behavior.
How can the Disorganized attachment style affect your relationship?
The characteristics of a disorganized attachment style can lead to self-sabotage or to a self-fulfilling prophecy, either when the person starts seeing signs of rejection that aren’t there, or when they choose a partner that induces fear, confirming their belief that they can’t trust others.
In a relationship, these people worry that their partner doesn't love or support them, and they can alternate between clinginess and detachment.
What to do about it
What Bowlby hypothesized is that all this happens in childhood. That's not true, because 'foundations are not fate.’
When you're 1 year old, the attachment style is totally determined by your caregivers. As you grow up, this matters less and less, and what really starts to matter is the selection effect. People play an active role in selecting and shaping their interpersonal environment; however, they still might choose based on what they learned from their parents.
If you have any kind of insecure attachment as an adult, you should share your feelings, even if you don't understand them, and the partner can be confused with you. Fixing your attachment style is not about figuring out the answer; it’s about not facing your problem alone. It's about emotional mirroring, not emotional correction. It's about the other person meeting you where you're at. That's why you should be careful with the people you hang out with; try to find people you can share a half-baked thought with.
Another step is to acknowledge your own emotional needs, even if you don't understand them. Acknowledge whatever you can. Understand that your partner doesn't need to fulfill your emotional need, but it's essential to accept and communicate it.
Fixing your attachment style has to do more with awareness than changing your behavior. It’s about acknowledging your personal needs and sharing them for emotional mirroring with other people. The partner needs to hear you and mirror it back.