Anxious-Avoidant Attachment happens when, as a child, the person communicates their emotional needs to their caregivers, and they either got no response or neutral response.
For example, a child might have a nightmare and call out for their caregiver during the night. In turn, the caregiver doesn't comfort the child and instead ignores their cries of distress. They might even get irritated by their kid's show of emotions.
These situations can cause a belief that voicing your needs doesn't get a response. So the child ends up becoming very independent, but it's just a mask for their emotional distress, protecting them from getting hurt again.
A person with an anxious-avoidant attachment style keeps partners at arm's length because of their fierce independence and coldness in a relationship. They might always have an exit strategy in a relationship because they avoid commitment and intimacy, leaving their partner feeling unreassured.
It's also rare for them to willfully talk about their feelings with their partners, and they tend to shut their significant others out.
Because of their apprehension of being intimate with significant others, the anxious-avoidant person can produce a lot of insecurities in their partner. In turn, the partner keeps wondering if they are loved back.
These insecurities can lead the partner to accuse the anxious-avoidant person of neglect, selfishness, betrayal, or egocentricity. When this happens, the avoidant person can become more distant and even lash out, blaming the relationship's problems on their partner.
To make a relationship with an anxious-avoidant person work, it's important to remember that their distant attitude comes from fear of letting down their guard and being betrayed or abandoned.
They put up barriers not because they don't care but because being intimate and exposed is very unfamiliar for them.
Getting into blame games will only make the avoidant person retract further, so the best solution is directly addressing each other's fears.
For them, vulnerability is frightening and thought to get them hurt, so their partner can do their best to make closeness feel safe. This includes viewing their tendency to isolate from an empathetic point of view rather than a punitive one.
Lastly, the partner of an anxious-avoidant person should also examine their feelings towards closeness or intimacy. It can happen that they could've picked out someone closed off precisely because they are afraid of closeness.
Because the anxious-avoidant person is always distant and highly independent, it's easier to pass the share of the problem to them than face your own fear of intimacy.
Whatever the case, this kind of relationship requires a lot of empathy and understanding regarding different coping techniques so that both partners can acknowledge and accept the risks of a loving relationship.
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